Around a month after D was born, I managed to catch a small break and V picked a random episode of Friends on Netflix. It turned out to be, by sheer coincidence, ‘The one with the breastmilk’. I wasn’t too surprised - ever since we knew we were having a baby, every movie I watch or book I read ended up having tracks on pregnancy, adoption, childbirth, breastfeeding and the likes. When I saw Ross’s ex wife casually lift up her T Shirt in this episode to feed the baby, and I went hey! Why did I buy all those nursing tops?
And just like that, I have worn only T shirts for all these months, with all the (to me) uncomfortable nursing tops with zips, buttons and slits lying unused at the back of my wardrobe — all what I was advised to get as ‘required’ postpartum clothes.
Pregnancy and a new baby is easily the most confusing and contradictory experience you can have in life, not made any easier by the constant ‘are you feeling ready’ questions from everyone. I barely knew any moms and to-be-moms (although this was to change very soon), hadn’t seen any nieces or nephews grow up in close quarters, and felt at least one generation away from entering the parenting world.
Since I felt so far from ready, I thought one way to channelise this was to make lists — shopping lists, a hospital bag list, what to buy before the due date, what to buy in the first week. And I realised each list came with a ton of parenting questions.
Where should the baby sleep? I freaked out at the term ‘SIDS’ (the scariest word a new parent can hear, and which my mom had the sense to shut me up about). How will we carry the baby around? Carriers, slings, strollers, carry cots, car seats? What sort of clothes can a baby wear easily? How is a romper different from a onesie? Most importantly, what exactly is a swaddle ?!
After finally postponing much of this shopping till after the baby came, I finally ended up never doing most of it — for one, we received a huge stock of hand-me-downs from a cousin. And then came the a 40 day complete lockdown and ‘quarantine’. No shops, no Amazon, no getting out of the house. And also an escape from the tizzy of shopping and choices.
The choices extend much beyond shopping into decisions on motherhood. I always knew that ‘mothers instinct’ may not just descend on me from the heavens so did want to do my small share of reading about what to do when the baby comes, even as I did keep telling myself every baby and parent is different.
But once the baby came, I soon realised that what I tried to read was barely a tiny drop in the ocean. There was a whole new vocabulary I had to learn on fast track mode- cluster feeding, colic hold, latching (that dreaded word!), demand feeding, tummy time, football hold. On joining some online parenting groups, I rapidly discovered that the baby world was as polarised as anything today. And I am not even getting into the breastmilk and formula battles.
Reading a little from ‘parenting gurus’ like Gina Ford and Dr Sears, it seemed like these different experts were talking about bringing up two different species of living beings.
There were ‘don’t get the baby used to being held’ camps (but what if she is crying her lungs out?) and ‘babies need you so hold them day and night’ camps (but what if I want to take a quiet shower or stretch my arms?) There was a ‘we love co-sleeping camp’ who frowned upon the crib users, and crib lovers who mocked the co-sleepers. Swaddling, scheduling, cloth diapering, bottle feeding, feeding solids, weaning - there seemed to be a maze of decisions at every stage, each involving strong opinions.
I didn’t know that there were so many brands for breast pumps, that there were ‘anti colic’ bottles, that ‘baby-wearing’ was a thing which had special consultants, that cloth diapering had its own dedicated groups. I didn’t know of the term ‘nipple confusion’ until I already introduced the bottle too early to a low birth weight baby struggling to ‘latch’.
In many of these ‘decisions’, I just got quite lucky. I was given a breast pump which turned out great although I still don’t know what its flange size is. I have used both a random bottle from the hospital store and a fancy Dr Brown anti colic bottle, both of which somehow worked alright. And the best part, D learnt to breastfeed quite quickly and I could limit the endless cycle of sitting at a chair as the pumped whirred irritatingly.
D also managed to sleep in various ways- first in a sturdy metal cradle that’s been in the family over 60 years old and used by nearly every baby in the extended family, and later in a crib given to us. I didn’t end up doing any ‘research’ on these to see if it met the latest recommendations, which would have been met with thousands of reviews and discussions. But they have worked perfectly so far. At this point I am unconsciously doing all the superstitions of crossing fingers and touching wood, as new parents do whenever something is going reasonably well- for we do know that this may change any time!
Things do fall in place with some patience, and change again, and then again fall in place — my biggest learning in the first crazy month.
Of course it seems simpler in retrospect, while the days were marked with keeping alarms for every 3 hours, eating a post-partum diet which I hated, waiting to sleep but not being able to fall asleep when the chance came, watching the weighing scale at the pediatrician's clinic feeling like a student waiting for a pass mark on a badly done exam.
I waited for some semblance of normalcy, but when things were normal the time would go in worrying, planning, wanting my old life back, or mindlessly scrolling social media. My conversations with my new ‘mom friends’ were comparing notes on peeing and pooping, frantically trying to decipher their cries, and also a genuine interest in having each others’ backs.
Before we knew it, milestones were whirring past us and we had a new normal (and no, not post-covid normal). Days and nights got better, time didn’t seem to be such an illusion. We saw the first smiles. Recognising people, curiosity to look out the window, learning to turn over, learning to briefly sit, babbling, actually laughing out loud- a whole new world was emerging, so much different from shopping lists or baby books.
Methods that worked one day still do fail the next. There are days of nursing strikes or bottle strikes, fighting sleep, unpredictable moods. But suddenly, months pass and you started feeling like a seasoned mom who can give advice to expectant parents, tell them ‘don’t worry, its a phase!’
And it really is. Now that the infant stage is passing so fast, I do wish sometimes I could cling to it. Cling to those gurgles and cackles, to the milky breath, the tiny hands holding your collar, the little head that fits snugly into the crook of your arm.
Just like the tough parts, this too is a phase, but one that I wish I could hold for just a while longer.
