The toddler phase, in one word, is a LOT. It’s a lot of waiting for the stage to pass but also never wanting them to grow up and grow out of the adorable innocence and excitement. It’s a lot of amazement at how much they seem to learn and exert their independence, and worry about how you’ll expose them the right things and learn where to draw boundaries.
In my first panicked month of parenting, a friend who visited spoke about how ‘terrible twos’ are hard for sure but there’s nothing as hard as the first month. Now that we’re at peak toddler naughtiness, I have to say I agree, the newborn phase was a lot of fear and anxiety, but the twos are really something else.
Nobody (and particularly social media) tells you how triggering it can be to see toddlers do things after you tell them not to. And I know the Instagram-parenting coaches would tell me not to forbid them in the first place, and to use a carefully constructed ideal sentence instead of the instinctive reaction (the loud ‘no!’) that comes naturally to most human beings.
If Toddler takes the box of semolina and runs to the balcony, I know what she plans to do with it. In the 3 seconds I have to stop her from emptying it into the apartment corridor, I don’t have the ability construct a careful sentence. I say ‘no, give it back!’. And down it goes into the plants, a shroud of orange on the leaves. (Other casualities have been a mop, towels, water bottles, and once our car key!)
If I’ve told the perfectly communicative and speech-fluent Toddler she can tell us when she’s had enough of her food and we’ll take her plate away, but she instead picks up the plate to throw it on the floor, I will say ‘don’t throw the plate’. And of course she throws it, and of course I snap.
And of course, the fights for gadgets, endless gadgets — running with my phone, pulling my work laptop, constantly switching on different remotes, putting on the ac and running to the other room, meddling with fan regulators, is it really possible to be calm when this happens all day every day?
Let it be, they say. Kids will be kids, they’re just Toddlers. We can psycho-analyse their thoughts and actions and find better ways to handle it. Fine. But I think pretending all of this doesn’t anger parents and especially moms, make us lose our tempers, be louder and sharper than we wish to, making it seem like we can react in a measured, gentle, correct way is a bit difficult to believe. Maybe some mothers do it, I don’t know. If so, I’m incredibly curious to see what those kids are like.
Of course, we can do something as simple as turning away from such things on social media, but somehow this is harder in today’s age with sponsored posts, reel recommendations, and labels, more labels — positive discipline, respectful parenting, gentle sleep approaches, baby-led weaning, secure attachment, Montessori at home, natural parenting—looking away isn’t all that simple. Many of social media also do talk about being kind to yourself, doing what feels right to you, not feeling judged. But pressure to do the right thing (or the trending thing) has been a part of parenting from time immemorial, it just takes new forms and channels.
Sometimes I read about slightly more real and raw fights and reactions that happens in toddler homes. While it’s relatable, it also feels like the snapping was a one-off learning experience rather than a routine casual fight-and-make-up as it seems to happen in our house.
Because of course the snapping happens all the time, and of course we make up, cuddle, apologise where needed, snap again, play, laugh, sleep, read together, run and kick a ball together, have a difficult meal time, go through exhausting bed time antics, laugh again, hug again, clean the spilled water yet again, lose it once again.
I saw a Instagram reel the other day on how every time a mother shouts at a child, a cord (depicted as literally as a thread that was being held by both mother and toddler) gets cut, and you lose connection with the child. I’d leave it to the psychologists to analyse this, but I really find it hard to believe that a parent-child bond can be that fragile that it ‘breaks’ when one snaps at the other. (On a side note, how do these kids pose and act for these reel videos when I can’t get mine to sit still for more than 3 seconds to click her in her first school uniform?!)
I believe all the snapping and shouting isn’t affecting my bond with said toddler or making her scared of me, because well, I know and see my child, I know and feel our bond.
But the toddler phase, in one word, is a LOT. It’s a lot of waiting for the stage to pass but also never wanting them to grow up and grow out of the adorable innocence and excitement. It’s a lot of amazement at how much they seem to learn and exert their independence, and worry about how you’ll expose them the right things and learn where to draw boundaries.
It’s a lot of making progress on something (Yay, we haven’t used a diaper in over 3 months!) to taking three steps back (but we are back to 10 soiled underpants in a day).
It’s a lot of giving up on things you thought you’ll be firmer about. Like ‘Fine, take my phone and meddle with it till we reach home.’ Or ‘Yes, take another sweet as I don’t have the energy to deal with another tantrum.’ Or ‘Fine, you can have some more ketchup for your omlette, and dip your chapathi in payasam (yes, that’s become a thing) since that’s the only way it will go into your tummy.’
It’s constantly seeing things in unusual places — recently, we had a curd hand-blender inside a water can, and a crayon inside a tub of face cream, and a tube of toothpaste in the washing machine.
It’s also about enjoying your new-found mom tribe, the conversations that nobody else can relate to, the frustrations that nobody else can ‘get’. Surprisingly for me, it’s also been about enjoying a kid-tribe — hanging around with the neighbourhood kids when I take D to play with them has been a way to wind down in the evenings.
It’s also the excitement and curiosity of listening to stories from school (mostly made-up stories in our case — one day a blue fox visited the school, another day, another baby from the apartment was inside the lunch box of her classmate, she also narrated a part visit from school so convincingly that I got it checked from the teachers whether it happened!). Coupled with some crying to enter the school gates, and underlying anxiety that she’ll be okay without us.
The toddler phase is the mortification of being that family in a restaurant who is causing all the noise and seeing a bowl break in a fancy restaurant because Toddler decided the soup was too spicy, or having a noisy cab ride that resulted in the tearing of a piece of decoration the driver had painstakingly put up and watching him wait for us to get down.
Documenting the toddler phase has been interesting since so much happens all day everyday, so many new milestones, so many new relationships and experiences.
Here’s to hoping that we continue to try not to lose it, one tantrum at a time.
